Okay. I can’t predict the future, and even if I could, all I would tell you is that this NBA season will end with either the Warriors, Cavs, or my Knicks winning the championship. It’s tough to say– they’re all super teams (sarcasm). Don’t be fooled, I’m no Max Botwinick when it comes to football analysis. In fact, every fantasy football league I’ve ever been in has wound up with me at the bottom of the standings, proving I’m really, really, really bad at picking fantasy teams. At the end of the day, I’m just a fan; a fan who is going to do his best and give 10 predictions for the remainder of this year’s NFL season. Please don’t hate me if I insult your favorite team. I’ll even give you a bonus prediction right now (you’re welcome): Ryan Fitzpatrick will throw a lot of interceptions. Now on with the predictions.
1. Cleveland goes 1-15:
Watching the Cleveland Browns this season is a lot like watching a dog with a cone on its head walk around. It’s cute, you feel bad for it, and it keeps walking straight into a wall. The Cleveland Browns are not good. Whether it’s the fact that Cleveland has played 6 different quarterbacks in 8 games, or the fact that you can hardly associate any of their players with the word “talent," the Browns are bound to get that 1st draft pick spot, although knowing them they’ll probably trade it away for the 9th overall pick and a skittles wrapper. I’d imagine the Browns will stumble upon a win eventually, but not much will change for them. At least Cleveland still has LeBron.
2. Zeke wins Rookie of the Year:
Ezekiel Elliot is an animal. He’s the reason I’m decent in fantasy football this year, and he’s been a huge contributor to the cowboys 6-1 start. Through 7 games Elliot has rushed for 799 yards and 5 scores. That is dominant. Not only do I predict that he wins rookie of the year voting by a landslide, but I also say he and his crop-tops will dominate Dallas for a long time to come.
3. SuperCam to the rescue:
Thought I was playing it safe so far? I was. That’s why it’s bold prediction time. The Carolina Panthers will make the NFC playoffs. I think this team has enough talent on the offensive end to make a run at a Wild Card Slot. Why not? Cam Newton’s proven how good he is, regardless of how much you want to make fun of his wardrobe. I’d guess the Panthers finish 10-6 and squeak past all your favorites including the Giants, Eagles, and Lions. Sorry.
4. Patriots Cruise:
Back to playing it safe and here’s a list of things I hate about Tom Brady: his face, his coach, his Uggs, his deflation of footballs, his accomplishments, his many victories over my Jets, and his hatred of puppies. I made the puppies thing up, but you get the point: I don’t like Tom Brady. My opinion doesn’t matter, though, because nobody can touch the Patriots at the moment. Currently sitting at 7-1, they are in a league of their own and will probably have home-field advantage in the playoffs locked up by Week 13 or 14. These guys are just that good, and Tom Brady is just that dislikable.
5. Saints win their Division:
Fun fact: I will be going to school in New Orleans next year, and it is the greatest city in all of America. Another fun fact: The Atlanta Falcons are going to choke again. Even though Matt Ryan and Julio Jones look poised to bring the Falcons to a divisional title, my money is on Drew Brees to drag this Saints team into the playoffs. He’s put up monster numbers and doesn’t look like he’s stopping any time soon. Factor that into the Saints relatively easy upcoming schedule (which includes the 49ers, Rams, and Buccaneers twice) and the Saints look like viable candidates to sneak up from behind and surprise everyone.
6. A .500 Team will win the AFC South:
The AFC South, a real pillow fight of a division, is not going to be won by a dominant team. The Jaguars are bad, the Titans are inconsistent, the Colts are already 3-5 and face a really tough schedule, and even though the Texans are 5-3, if I had to use an emoji to describe how Brock Osweiler has looked this season, it would be the poop emoji except instead of a smile there would be a frown. Last year the Texans managed to make the playoffs with a 9-7 record, and this year they may repeat as champs, but with an even less impressive record. It’s very possible the division comes down to the Titans and Texans in Week 17, in a dual of 2 very below-average 8-8 football teams.
7. Antonio Brown gets in some more trouble:
Antonio Brown gets in trouble about as much as Mr. Lindner reminds you that America’s a great country. Every Sunday, Brown shows up with colorful cleats on his feet, usually honoring someone we’ve lost. This year alone Brown has worn cleats honoring Muhammad Ali, Arnold Palmer, and Jose Fernandez. Each time, Brown has been forced to remove his cleats mid-game. Brown was also fined for twerking. Roger Goodell is a weird dude. It’s safe to say Brown will continue to fight the power for the rest of the season.
8. Zach Brown shocks everyone:
I didn’t know who Zach Brown was in the beginning of this season, but despite the fact he’s on the Buffalo Bills (a.k.a. the Jets’ Rejects), he’s already one of my favorite defensive players in the league. He leads the league with an astonishing 87 tackles through 7 games and has shown flashes of brilliance on the defensive side of the football. He is certainly deserving of Defensive Player Of The Year. And he’ll win it. Yes, I know that Von Miller is God, but trust me, it’s Zach Brown’s award to lose.
9. The Playoffs:
Here’s where I’m probably where I’m desperately wrong if I haven’t already been wrong this entire article. Put your pitch forks down and allow me to predict the teams that I, and only I think will make the playoffs midseason. Come back to this in January and tell me how right I was.
1. Patriots 🙁 (AFC East Champions)
2. Steelers (AFC North Champions)
3. Raiders (AFC West Champions)
4. Titans (AFC South Champions)
5. Broncos (AFC Wild Card 1)
6. Chiefs (AFC Wild Card 2)
1. Seahawks (NFC West Champions)
2. Cowboys (NFC East Champions)
3. Packers (NFC North Champions)
4. Saints (NFC South Champions)
5. Vikings (NFC Wild Card 1)
6. Panthers (NFC Wild Card 2)
10. The Rematch we all deserve:
The Seahawks will make it to the Super Bowl to take on the New England Patriots and Tom Brady, who will be fresh off of allegations that he rigged the grass on the field of the AFC title game. The Super Bowl 49 rematch needs to happen. Russell Wilson throwing an interception on the 3-yard line to end the Super Bowl cannot be a thing that history preserves. We, or at least I, need to see the Seahawks get revenge. I want this rematch so much. Admit it, you do too. This time around, I would pick the Seahawks to win it all. Isn’t that a happy ending? One more fun fact: A Seahawks fan once tried to fight me at a Jets-Seahawks game. Even still, all the Seahawks fans in the world could try and beat me up and I’d still root for them over Tom Brady.
What’d you think? Did I absolutely nail it? Do I know nothing about football? All I know is the NFL is heating up, so let’s get excited.